The Science of Friendship: Unlocking Ways to Enhance Your Life

Building strong friendships may seem like a natural process—finding joy in each other’s presence, sharing laughter, and bonding over common interests. However, the unspoken dynamics of different types of friendships can often be complex. Recent research has shed light on the significance of these relationships in our overall happiness. Yet, there are strategies for nurturing meaningful connections.

Jeffrey Hall, Director of the Relationships and Technology Labs at the University of Kansas, is among the researchers examining ways to cultivate friendships. He suggests viewing friendships as a spectrum—from mere acquaintances to our closest confidants who remain by our side.

“The fundamental requirement is mutual liking and a communication frequency that allows the relationship to develop,” he states. “Trust and a sense of safety in sharing secrets are expected, along with prioritizing each other above others.”

Time invested in a friendship is crucial, as highlighted by Hall’s research. In a series of studies, he had participants recently relocated to a new city map out their social lives. He found that individuals must spend about 57-164 hours with someone before they are deemed “friends,” while developing “good” or “best” friendships typically requires around 200 hours together.

The quality of time spent together is also vital. “Engaging in daily activities—eating, drinking, playing, exploring—helps cement these bonds because we want to share those moments with them,” says Hall, co-author of the upcoming book Social Biome, which delves into these themes. Conversely, being compelled to interact through work or study does little to foster genuine friendships.

It’s common to find ourselves gravitating toward individuals who share common traits. Over the last decade, anthropologist Robin Dunbar from Oxford University identified seven key attributes in “pillars of friendship.” These pillars represent deep connections stemming from shared language, culture, education, career experiences, interests, worldviews, humor, and musical tastes.

He notes that we may share only one or two of these pillars with around 150 people we identify as friends, while only five close companions and about six to seven truly good friends exist in our lives, as mentioned in his book Friends: Understanding the Influence of Our Most Important Relationships.

Interestingly, friends may even share similar brain activity patterns. In a 2018 study, Carolyn Parkinson at UCLA had students watch a series of videos in an fMRI scanner. The results showed that she could predict friendships based on similarities in their brain responses to the clips, indicating that closer friends often have synchronized neural activity.

As discussed in my book, Connection Law, Parkinson’s research explores the concept of shared reality. This idea suggests that having a mutual perspective on the world enhances relationships. “These individuals focus on similar aspects of life and share similar emotional responses to their experiences,” she notes.

Can these connections exist digitally? Hall believes they can. “Communicating via phone or video with loved ones is likely just as beneficial as in-person interactions,” he asserts. “Creating regular opportunities for digital communication can help maintain and enrich these relationships.”