We are more likely to find love with someone we know
Thomas Hoepker/Magnum
Bonds through Evolution
By Paul Eastwick, Cornerstone Press
Most everyone has tales of lost love or romantic rejection, and psychologist Paul Eastwick is no exception. As an undergraduate at the turn of the millennium, he fell for a student named Anna—a stunning, tall aspiring poet fluent in Russian. While he may have seen himself as more of a “6” to her “9,” they did spend some time together before he was “friend-zoned,” and ultimately she pursued relationships elsewhere.
Eastwick, who has coined a term “EvoScript” to describe a prevalent view in the dating world, explains that rejection often seems inevitable. In this “marketplace” of dating, individuals possess unique “mate values” based on various factors like looks, intelligence, and social status, selectively pairing with the highest-value partners for the best possible offspring. He notes, however, that navigating this marketplace often leads to a hierarchy of potential partners. Reflecting on his findings, he emphasizes, “Either find your place and stay put, or run wild like Icarus,” his observations now part of his role as a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis.
While Eastwick’s theory rests on psychological literature, it has become widely accepted in popular culture. In his informative new book, Bonds through Evolution: What We Get Wrong About Love and Connection, he refutes this narrative, asserting that it is fundamentally flawed.
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Passion tends to fade merely weeks after potential romantic partners connect
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Many experiments supporting EvoScript evaluated mate value based on participants rating images of unfamiliar individuals. In these instant assessments, people often agree on attraction, suggesting an innate ranking based on genetic traits. However, this approach disregards the reality that first impressions can easily diminish after personal interaction. Although such studies require time and effort, Eastwick and his team demonstrated that as people genuinely connect, the perceptions of their mate value rapidly shift.
In essence, supposed mate value can be fleeting. As Eastwick summarizes, “Even if I find you attractive, there’s only a 53% chance that others will concur.” This could be disheartening news for those who consider themselves physically appealing. He continues by stating that “Potential romantic partners seem to lose their allure just weeks following their meeting.”
Eastwick proposes that compatibility ultimately plays a crucial role in determining who we love, albeit challenging to foresee. Although individuals can readily articulate preferences—such as being drawn to extroverted or adventurous people—his research indicates these traits have minimal impact on actual relationship choices. Intriguingly, we are more likely to be content with partners exhibiting three unrelated traits: being friendly, intelligent, and successful. “What truly counts,” he notes, “is not matching a worn-out checklist, but rather the feelings stirred within you,” which are fostered through chaotic conversations.
Similarly, Justin Garcia, executive director at the Kinsey Institute, reaches a comparable conclusion in his recent publication, Intimate Animals. Although Garcia employs the market-based vocabulary Eastwick challenges, he acknowledges that first impressions surrounding dating abilities can mislead. “We quickly judge partnerships appearing mismatched at first sight, yet the overall value of each partner is considerably more intricate than we assume,” he argues.
Both authors highlight the significance of “self-aggrandizement” in intimate relationships. Garcia emphasizes that personal growth, new experiences, and fresh viewpoints often prove attractive in partnerships.
These insights resonate with both seasoned and novice daters. While online dating has broadened the pool of potential partners, choices often stem from superficial evaluations that evolve once mutual acquaintance deepens. Consequently, many face disappointments prior to finding “the one” (or at least “the right one”).
Considering compatibility’s importance, Eastwick suggests giving most individuals at least three chances before forming a judgment about whether to continue dating. He states, “Third impressions generally offer a more reliable predictor than much of the currently tested information.” He also encourages creative encounters beyond traditional settings like dinners or drinks, urging couples to explore diverse activities such as roller skating, karaoke, or chocolate tastings as a means of assessing compatibility.
Continuing to nurture real-life friendships is equally important. Evidence shows that we are significantly more inclined to find love with someone we are familiar with rather than a total stranger. Social connections, at the very least, can yield numerous advantages, enhancing both physical and mental wellness.
For these reasons, Eastwick recommends maintaining a positive relationship with dating partners. Reflecting on his experiences with Anna, he realized that platonic relationships are indeed attainable. After a difficult period, his emotions for her faded, paving the way for friendship and an expanded social circle. “The joy of broadening your connections is incredibly fulfilling, and Anna appreciated that,” he concluded. It appears that the friend zone may not be such a negative space after all.
After numerous books advocating cynical strategies for “playing” the dating game, it’s refreshing to encounter two works that present evidence-based optimism regarding our chances of discovering love that resonates with our true selves. Embrace opportunities to connect with others, remain honest and respectful, and observe how feelings evolve. It’s straightforward, yet these simple strategies might just elevate your love life.
David Robson is the author of The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies that Will Change Your Life.
3 Essential Reads on Relationships
Find Love:
Navigating modern relationships and discovering your ideal partner by Paul C. Brunson
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All or Nothing Marriage:
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This book provides evidence-based techniques for fostering mutual growth in long-term relationships, including strategies for enhancing communication and tackling inevitable challenges.
Single at Heart:
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Society often emphasizes the need to pair up; however, as social psychologist DePaolo illustrates, an increasing number of individuals find joy in singlehood. This myth-busting exploration stands as a counter to the frenzy surrounding Valentine’s Day.
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Source: www.newscientist.com
