uIn today’s world, it’s become quite typical to rely on dating apps in the quest for love. However, for many individuals, these platforms can feel like a double-edged sword. The clear advantage of having an infinite array of potential partners at your disposal is readily apparent—yet the downside of engaging with strangers can impose certain time constraints. The prolonged “swipe phase” can often be especially disheartening.
In 2023, the US jeweler Shane Company found that the average American dedicates around 8 months to dating apps, swiping through about 3,960 profiles before securing a partner. That said, for chronic daters, these figures might seem unrealistically promising. Conversations with friends and colleagues often reveal that years can pass “on the app” without any romantic fulfillment. The “Download, Deal, Repeat” cycle can be disheartening, and many users are experiencing increasing dating app fatigue. Last year’s Ofcom’s online Nation report indicated that app usage had significantly dropped, with the ten most popular dating apps seeing nearly a 16% decline. It’s not unexpected that Meta recently announced their plan to introduce AI assistants for Facebook dating. Meet Cute, their new “surprise match” feature, aims to help users “combat swipe fatigue.”
But it doesn’t have to be this way. According to the Pew Research Center, roughly 10% of heterosexual individuals and 24% of LGBTQ+ individuals find long-term partners via dating sites and apps. Is this merely a cosmic coincidence, or is there a secret ingredient to their success?
Liz, 28, from Nottingham, opened Bumble on a Wednesday and matched with her future husband the same day. They had their first date on Friday and remained together for eight years. Her advice for avoiding getting trapped in the app? Delete it.
Deleting apps is a more effective way to connect… Photo: Pose by a model. Emir Memedovski/Getty Images
“If you find someone you connect with, delete the app and focus entirely on that individual. You’re not on a dating show!” she advises. “After our first date, I realized I liked him a lot. I thought, ‘You have to concentrate on one person at a time.’ If it doesn’t work, you can always return to the app.”
She also realized that not everyone she swipes on is active on the app daily, indicating her interest.
While it’s tempting to keep all options available and engaging with multiple matches is generally accepted early in dating, Liz and her partner found that deleting Bumble within a week of their first meeting and focusing on one individual fostered a deeper connection.
Another effective strategy to avert the so-called choice paradox is to intentionally narrow down the dating pool. Joseph, 42, from Liverpool, believes in finding your niche. Glaser, someone he met through an app, became his fiancé ten months later, and they have been happily married for six years with two (vegan) children.
“It eliminated anything I was certain I didn’t want,” he shares. “We both knew we were on the same wavelength. It took a lot of pressure off. There were no awkward conversations about being vegan, nor discussions about raising children as vegans.”
Understanding what you’re seeking is crucial, say couples therapists and dating coaches like Shan Merchant. “Do they like to exercise, enjoy nature, or have a creative side?” Her advice is to use a mainstream app that attracts a large user base.
Naturally, being candid when crafting your app profile is a smart strategy to attract those whose interests and values align with yours.
“My approach was to filter out individuals so that I could engage with those genuinely interested,” explained Hanna, 39, from Leeds, who has been with her partner for seven years. She spent about a month on Bumble before they met and had only dated two others on the app.
“I had a theory about my photos,” Hanna shared. “I wanted them to portray my true self. My first photo was me all dolled up, but my second was a no-makeup garden shot, very authentic.”
Illustration: Michelle Thompson/Guardian
Several individuals I talked to emphasized that dating seriously was crucial to their success with apps, but for Hanna, the opposite rings true. After relocating back to North England from London ten years later, all she wished was to meet new people and rediscover her local area.
“I believe that mindset made a significant difference. I steered clear of checklists,” she states. “It helped me meet wonderful people,” she adds, “by letting go of preconceived notions and remaining open to new experiences.”
Recent trends indicate a growing emphasis on finding “the perfect partner,” while experts like Merchant advise more practical methods to optimize your mental approach to seeking love.
“I only engage with the app when I’m feeling positive. If I’m stressed, fatigued, or hungover, I wouldn’t recommend it,” she advises. Many struggle to maintain a positive outlook while dating, yet that positivity is often key to success in navigating dating apps.
For Nick, 69, from Chichester, the pandemic prompted him to take a more proactive stance on dating. Within a week of joining the now-defunct Guardian Soulmate, he matched with his partner. They’ve been together for over five years and started cohabitating in February 2022.
“I was initially apprehensive but realized I needed to take the plunge,” he shares. “Reflect on whether you genuinely want to pursue this or just seek excuses for why it isn’t working. Show what makes you a great partner. Be ready to step outside your comfort zone.”
Even if not all interactions lead to something meaningful, “you are learning how dynamics function,” he notes. He suggests Romeo, also known as Planetromeo, as a great alternative for LGBTQ+ individuals seeking relationships rather than casual encounters.
Liz observes that, for some people, the app can become problematic instead of beneficial. “I adore my friends, but I’ve seen them become obsessed with swipes and likes in a way that worries me. Their emotions seem to lose value when reduced to mere images on a screen. If you’re truly eager to connect with someone, remember that every profile represents a real person.”
A thoughtful gift can spark a delightful conversation… Photo: Pose by a model. Janina Steinmetz/Getty Images
Although Tinder has garnered some particularly negative reviews over the years, Dan, 45, from the Netherlands, connected with his current wife just two weeks after downloading the app. They’ve enjoyed a decade together and share a son. For him, standing out was essential.
“People often describe me as boring at first glance,” he admits. “I’m not the kind to dazzle anyone with my looks or lavish lifestyle. The great thing about dating apps was that I was able to kick-start a conversation immediately. When I messaged someone, I’d always pose questions or joke about something in their profile to show I was genuinely interested. It didn’t always work, but sometimes it did!”
When he finally met his wife, Dan made sure to leave a lasting impression by bringing along a small, thoughtful gift as an icebreaker. “On our first date, I presented her with a gift-wrapped chocolate bar that was her least favorite flavor, but included another chocolate bar of her favorite in jest,” he recalls. “It was a fun way to demonstrate that I was attentive.”
“Don’t fear rejection,” he suggests. “I once got rejected for not dressing ‘hip enough.’ That was a good decision on her part—if such things matter to you, I’m not your person. I also got turned down for ordering a non-alcoholic beverage on another first date. Fast forward ten years, I ended up with someone who shares my humor.”
Fear of rejection undoubtedly influences why numerous singles approach dating apps with caution. “Many are indeed fearful of rejection,” states Merchant. “They often take it personally, which leads to giving up. When this happens, it saddens me, as if they maintain a positive outlook, they’ll eventually find someone, and I genuinely believe that.”
As frequent as it is, the key to thriving on dating apps might very well be a stroke of luck. “I firmly believe luck plays a substantial role,” Merchant remarks. “Surround yourself with individuals who maintain a positive view of dating. It’s natural to feel fatigued, but avoid isolating those feelings. If you’re burnt out, just step back from the app and return when your energy picks up.”
Even those who seem to have found success instantly acknowledge that taking breaks is essential. “You end up seeing the same faces,” Joseph points out. “If you pause for a bit and return months later, you’ll discover new profiles and opportunities that better align with what you truly desire.
Source: www.theguardian.com
