Exploring Love’s Work: Insights from Psychoanalysis on Love and Heartbreak

Labour of Love
Stephen Grosz (UK: Chatto & Windus, Available Now; US: Random House, February 10, 2026)

Psychoanalysts, with their deep understanding of human emotions, might seem to enjoy relationships devoid of the tumult that often impacts our romantic endeavors.

However, in his compelling memoir, Labour of Love, Grosz delves into over 40 years of discussions about love with his patients, observing the intricate web involving four of his colleagues. At first, Susan and Paul appear to be a blissfully married couple, just like Kora and Martin, until it’s revealed that Paul and Kora have maintained a secret affair for two years.

The ensuing critique strikes at the very essence of their profession. “I’ve never fully grasped what it means to be a psychoanalyst,” Susan confides to Kora. “I possess empathy, I care for others, I establish boundaries, I perceive reality. Avoid taking your friend’s husband.” For Susan, psychoanalysis seems to focus on accountability and self-regulation. Kora, on the other hand, believes her journey is about achieving complete self-awareness. To her, psychoanalysis serves the purpose of intentional self-discovery.

Grosz reflects on these paradoxes, arriving at ambiguous conclusions. He suggests that while psychoanalysis may target both objectives, neither should be a primary aim. “It benefits the patient and enhances her well-being. However, these goals may obscure the hidden desire to restrict the patient’s freedom,” he states. Psychoanalysts enable their patients to gain insights into their minds, but how they utilize that understanding remains their own decision.

Skeptics might contend that psychoanalysis lacks scientific validity. After all, how can one measure the effectiveness of interventions on mental processes? Initially pioneered by Sigmund Freud, psychoanalysis employs informal dialogues to uncover unconscious dynamics, often involving extended discussions that may last for years, including in-depth explorations of childhood. This contrasts sharply with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which utilizes specific exercises aimed at altering immediate thoughts and behaviors, such as more aggressive strategies to “reconstruct” experiences.

Nowadays, CBT is often the preferred initial treatment for various mental health issues, yet clinical trials indicate that psychoanalysis effectively enhances well-being. Labour of Love offers a captivating exploration of this process through the stories of Gross’s patients and acquaintances.

Take Sophie, for example. When Gross first meets her, she’s engaged, but despite her hopes for a future marriage, she hesitates to send out any invitations. She is plagued by haunting dreams about her parents’ demise. Together, they eventually trace this fear back to her parents and their loss, which occurred before Sophie was born. She dreads any changes that might separate her from them.

Often, individuals’ issues stem from a fear of losing their identity. “A crucial distinction exists between surrendering to something (or someone) and submitting to it,” Gross asserts. Submissions equate to transactions and involve relinquishing control, whereas mutual surrender fosters vitality, empowerment, and acceptance. In that space, love can flourish.

The journey to comprehend Labour of Love is not straightforward. As the title implies, understanding both ourselves and our beloved requires consistent effort.

Grosz is a compelling writer whose thoughtful narratives frequently illuminate the complexities of human experiences. A review of his earlier work, Researched Life, likened him to literary figures such as Anton Chekhov and Oliver Sacks. His storytelling shines particularly when illustrating the intertwined lives of fellow psychoanalysts. For instance, during Cola’s death, Paul connects deeply with Cola’s family while sitting shiva. In this poignant moment, he finds solace in Susan’s presence.

This scene encapsulates the contradictions inherent in love, as Grosz elaborates: “Susan and Paul loved, resented, married, and divorced. Yet, even during this challenging period, they remained a couple. Their love continued to evolve.”

David Robson is the author of The Law of Connection: 13 Social Strategies That Transform Your Life

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