Earn money
Melissa Hogenboom (Canongate Books, August 14th, UK)

Why do individuals without jobs feel uplifted when their partners are unemployed? How do women develop empathy as they mature? Why does a disordered room appear untidy when it belongs to Jennifer, but not John? These pressing issues are explored by Melissa Hogenboom in her book Earn money: and other power imbalances that affect your life. The book uncovers the hidden power dynamics and subconscious cognitive biases that influence our behaviors and choices.

This narrative goes beyond individual actions; it serves as a well-researched examination of how stereotypes and unseen disparities shape everything from household chores to career advancement.

Fair warning: it may provoke anger—especially regarding household responsibilities. Studies indicate that in heterosexual relationships, domestic duties are typically assumed by women unless addressed directly. Women tend to take on more odd jobs, even when they log more hours at work. Hogenboom notes that some studies imply this might be an unconscious “compensation” strategy for unconventional family dynamics.

Gender biases begin early in life. Mothers engage more extensively during pregnancy, whereas fathers share more about their feelings with daughters and their achievements with sons. Studies have found that fathers react more deeply to their daughters’ emotions.

This reinforces the notion that women are inherently nurturing or empathetic—a stereotype that influences various realms, from parenting to leadership roles. In fact, while empathy can be partially genetic, there are no innate differences between genders.

When societal pressures are lifted, a new truth may surface. As highlighted in a case study of same-sex male couples, “The assumption that if parents remain at home without societal pressures, they will naturally share childcare responsibilities is quite misguided,” says one participant. “If my partner had suggested returning to work within a fortnight, I would have been furious.”

Hogenboom also points out that mothers in same-sex relationships may encounter fewer career obstacles after maternity leave compared to those in heterosexual partnerships, indicating that maternity alone does not dictate such penalties.

The book sheds light on the intangible forces predominantly managed by men: hidden inequalities often perceived as normal. At times, Hogenboom asserts, “Women, here’s the evidence you need to justify your exhaustion.”

Notably, the persistent challenges faced by men who seek to address these power disparities are highlighted. A study referenced by Hogenboom found that men requesting part-time roles often face skepticism more than women and encounter taunts like “Where’s your mom?” They often struggle to be taken seriously and may be viewed as less committed, complicating their social dynamics within parenting communities.

Couples who believe they have achieved equality might be surprised by how Hogenboom reveals these unseen dynamics of authority. She argues that systematic inequalities represent a dominant form of power in relationships, often overlooked—even by the couples who experience them.

The perception of mutuality can lead couples to falsely believe they maintain an even distribution of responsibilities. However, they may be deceiving themselves if they don’t consider whose needs are genuinely met and who does the work. For instance, your partner might “cook all the meals,” but have you handled the meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning, and budgeting?

Fortunately, Hogenboom offers actionable advice. If you find yourself overwhelmed, she suggests handling tasks comprehensively: “It eliminates hidden burdens when ownership of the entire task is taken.”

Her recommendations provide a much-needed relief amidst the wealth of data presented. While authoritative and insightful, Hogenboom’s writing style leaves little room for reflection.

However, moments of reflection are necessary. Earn money constructs a convincing argument to recognize the influence of concealed power dynamics and informs how to address them. This leads to fairer relationships and more successful careers, potentially saving marriages.

Helen Thomson is an author based in London.

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