Conversations form the foundation of our relationships, yet many people find initiating dialogue challenging. Feelings of anxiety often surface when trying to engage in small talk with strangers, or even when connecting with those closest to us. If this resonates, Alison Wood Brooks is here to assist. She is a professor at Harvard Business School and teaches a highly sought-after course titled “Talk: How to Talk Gooder in Business and Life.” Additionally, her works, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Yourself, present four essential principles for fostering deeper conversations. Wood Brooks explains that while conversations can be unpredictable, they adhere to certain guidelines that, once understood, can ease our discomfort about the unpredictable aspects of interaction. New Scientist took the opportunity to ask her how to implement these insights into our daily conversations.

David Robson: Discussing conversation feels quite meta. Have you ever found yourself critiquing your own conversational skills?

Alison Wood Brooks: The layers of “metaness” are numerous. Even as I participated in discussions, I often felt as if I was observing from above. At Harvard, I teach courses, and many of my students experience this phenomenon too. There may be a challenging phase of over-excitement, but I hope that this subsides as they develop more effective conversational habits. There’s a well-known quote from Charlie Parker, the jazz saxophonist, which goes, “Practice, practice, practice, and when you hit the stage, let it all go and just play.” That’s how I approach conversation—it’s crucial to embrace the joy of being with another human, never losing the magic of that connection. While it’s beneficial to prepare, once you’re engaged in conversation, let go and allow the dialogue to flow.

From reading your book, I gathered that to bring energy into a conversation, one should ask about another person’s passion—so, what inspired your passion for conversation?

I have two responses to this question. The first is professional; early in my tenure at Harvard, I delved into emotions by examining how people articulate their feelings and the balance between emotions that one feels and expresses. Through this exploration, I developed a profound interest in understanding not just my emotions but how others communicate their experiences as well. We have advanced scientific tools today that allow us to analyze conversations on a large scale, thanks to the advent of natural language processing, machine learning, and AI, enabling us to process vast amounts of conversational data effectively.

On a personal note, I am a twin, which means I’ve always coexisted with someone who mirrors me closely. From the moment I opened my eyes as a newborn, I was beside an exact copy of myself. This relationship has allowed me to observe my interactions with the world and how she engages with others. When she succeeded in communicating or making jokes, I learned from her success, and I was able to avoid similar pitfalls when I witnessed her failures. This unique dynamic provided feedback most people don’t have. As twins, we were able to converse constantly, sharing spaces, clothes, friends, and even sports, cultivating a shared reality.

Your book outlines a framework for better conversation: topics, asking, lightness, kindness. Let’s start with the first element—how do you decide what topic to discuss?

My initial advice is preparation. Some individuals do this instinctively, thinking about potential conversation topics before meeting someone. For those who naturally lean into this habit, I encourage you to embrace it. However, some students perceive preparation as too rigid and scripted. Remember, just because you’ve prepared for a conversation doesn’t mean you need to stick exclusively to your planned topics. When unsure what to say next, having backup topics can ease those awkward silences. Maintaining fluidity in conversation is essential for connection. The choice of topic is less crucial at the outset; we are constantly making decisions on whether to stay on one subject, pivot to another, or change completely.

What guidance can you offer when making these topic decisions?

There are three clear indicators that suggest it’s time to change the topic. The first is a prolonged mutual pause. The second indicator is an awkward laugh, often used to fill spaces with excitement. The third sign is redundancy—if the discussion starts to repeat itself, it’s a signal to switch gears.

After a decent conversation, most people report feeling that they’ve covered an adequate range of topics. However, if you ask individuals about a conversation that didn’t flow well, they often feel they either discussed too little or went too deep into a single subject. This indicates that a common mistake is lingering too long on a single topic.

Your second element of conversation is asking questions. Many of us have heard the advice to ask more questions, yet why do you think many struggle with this?

Research indicates that human nature is inherently egocentric. We often become so absorbed in our own thoughts that we forget to invite others to share theirs. Fear also plays a role; while you might genuinely want to ask others about themselves, you may hesitate, worried about coming off as intrusive or revealing your own ignorance.

What types of questions should we be asking?

In my book, I discuss the significance of follow-up questions, building upon what your conversational partner just expressed. This demonstrates that you’ve listened, care, and wish to delve deeper. Even one thoughtful follow-up question can elevate a shallow conversation to something meaningful.

However, certain questioning patterns, like “Boomerasking,” should be avoided. Michael Yeoman and I recently researched this and it was fascinating. This conversational game boomerangs back to the initial questioner; for instance, if I ask about your breakfast and you reply, sharing details, I might then pivot to my own breakfast without giving due attention to your thoughts. Such a transition can come across as self-centric. Our findings reveal that this can leave your conversational partner feeling unheard. Sharing your perspective is essential, but do so at a moment that allows for mutual engagement rather than overshadowing.

What benefits does levity bring to conversation?

When we examine conversations that falter, we often cite hostility and disagreement as culprits, yet the subtle killer of engaging dialogue is boredom. Levity serves as a preventative measure. Small moments of humor and lightness can rekindle engagement and enhance our connections.

Research shows that those who elicit positive feelings in others often receive respect and recognition, even with a simple joke, as confidence and the capacity to read a room are essential qualities of effective leaders. The joke doesn’t need to be profound or elaborate; it’s the willingness to share that showcases adaptability.

If someone isn’t a natural comedian, what practical steps can they take to introduce levity?

Levity transcends humor—it isn’t solely about being funny. Aspiring to become a comedian isn’t the ultimate goal. Watching stand-up performances showcases how comedians have meticulously refined their craft over time—a stark contrast to the spontaneity of live conversation. In real interactions, individuals seek connection, which doesn’t rely on elaborate jokes but on shared moments of joy. Seize opportunities to introduce lightness by switching to fresh topics or referring back to earlier points in the conversation or relationship. These callbacks, which may highlight something memorable, effectively demonstrate that you’ve been attentive and engaged. Levity can also emerge in the form of genuine compliments; if you appreciate something about someone, articulate it.

This brings us to the final conversation element: kindness. What holds us back from being as kind as we aspire?

Kindness frequently contends with our own egotism. Studies suggest we often underestimate how different others’ perspectives are from our own, leading us to overlook the value of simply asking to hear those perspectives. Being a kind conversationalist means focusing on your partner’s viewpoint—considering their needs and helping fulfill them.

Lastly, what are your top recommendations for enhancing conversations the next time your readers engage with someone?

Conversations can be surprisingly complex and challenging. When things go awry, grant yourself and others some grace. Everyone makes mistakes; sometimes a little kindness can make a significant difference.