IIf you own an Xbox and have some sense, you’ll probably be spending this Christmas playing the new Indiana Jones game. And perhaps feeling smug about the fact that it’s a timed exclusive, PlayStation owners will end up pressing their noses against frosted glass like Victorian orphans.

But, PS5 fans, please wipe your tears. Because I found the game that will save Christmas. And it’s only 79p. Let’s say “hello” and “hohoho” to Santa’s Speedy Quest.

I discovered this gem while scouring the PlayStation Store looking for cheap and awful games to laugh at on my Twitch stream. (This is also how I discovered the seminal classic Stroke the Beaver, but that’s another story.) SSQ fits the bill perfectly, and is incredibly cheap (if you have a PlayStation Plus subscription). It’s actually just 23p if you’re paying a fee), which on the face of it is terrible. But it’s also addictive, hilarious, and much more layered than it seems.

At one point during the stream, I might have described this as the pinnacle of the video game medium. It’s a lot like the three pints of Baileys I pre-consumed, maybe a little stronger. But I stand by the claim that Santa’s Speedy Quest is, in its own simple and diabolical way, a work of twisted genius.

As you might imagine, SSQ lacks the polish and high production values of blockbusters like Indiana Jones and The Great MacGuffin. It looks like it was made with Microsoft Paint. It also doesn’t contain any original gameplay ideas, unless you consider “Make Flappy Bird Santa” innovative.

Contains 8 mini games. It all looks familiar. None of them are attractive in and of themselves. Two of them are variations on the “dodge the snowball” concept, depending on whether the snowball comes vertically or horizontally. There are no collectibles, health potions, power-ups, etc. There is no multiplayer mode or online play. I can’t even pause. When you press start, the game continues in the background with a metaphysically challenging message: “You can’t stop this game.”

It feels like Christmas 2008 all over again. At the time, the Wii’s success flooded the market with minigame collections that ranged from poor to very poor quality. I was forced to review many of them just to put food on the table on Christmas Day. on the verge of extinction At Hasbro Family Game Night. I still don’t know if Vienetta was worth falling in love with.

However, here’s the twist. Santa’s Speedy Quest does not allow you to choose which mini-games to play. All must be played. In random order. Continuously without a break. Just for a few seconds at a time. increasing at an increasingly rapid pace and at seemingly arbitrary intervals.

“1.4x faster,” the game shouts. 2.6 times. 3.2 times. This poses a unique challenge for your brain, as it forces you to repeatedly switch between familiar gameplay mechanics that run at breakneck speeds without any notice. All the while, an electro-piano version of Jingle Bells loops endlessly in the background, picking up speed so that the sound becomes distorted and jumbled, like you’re in a horror movie set in an amusement park. I’ll put it away. You can’t stop this game.

And here’s the kicker, the devilish details that elevate Santa’s Speedy Quest from a below-average minigame collection to a diabolical Sisyphean masterpiece. The game takes a snapshot every time you launch another minigame, and when you come back, gameplay continues from that point.

This creates strategic choices. Are you always trying to make sure you’re in a good position so you can pick up where you left off? Mentally recording each state of play every time you get kicked out and knowing which buttons to press when you’re put back in? Do you remember? Or have you forgotten all about it and desperately relied on reflexes dulled by the fact that you were 47, near menopause, and had three pints of Baileys?

Each time you fail a minigame, you are removed from the roster until you run out of minigames, and the game ends. You’ll then see your score and a breakdown of your performance in five key areas: speed, coordination, timing, reflexes, and decision-making. There are leaderboards with seemingly plausible player names like SHADOWBLADE23, but they are fake. No online functionality.

I get this because SSQ has really taken off in my Twitch community, but our high scores don’t show up on each other’s leaderboards. Instead, we have to rely on sharing screenshots on Discord as proof of our efforts. But it doesn’t matter. I’m having a great time.

That’s because Santa’s Speedy Quest is exactly the game you need at this time of year. Easy to learn for non-gamers, difficult to master for serious players, and perfect for reigniting old feuds and creating hotly contested rivalries. It’s a vulgar, stupid, cynical money grab that relies on outdated ideas and sentimental nostalgia. But isn’t it all about this time of year?