Research Reveals How Draining Relationships Can Cost You Years of Your Life (With One Exception)

Recent research indicates that surrounding yourself with difficult individuals can speed up the aging process and even elevate your mortality risk. You can learn more about these findings in a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

So, why does this happen? Instead of enriching your life, “harassers” tend to heighten your stress levels. Chronic stress significantly contributes to biological aging, leading to inflammation, a weakened immune system, and a higher likelihood of cardiovascular diseases, which can result in heart attacks.

The authors of the study note, “Negative social connections were associated not only with self-reported stress and mental health but also with molecular measures of biological aging,” according to Dr. Lee Byung-gyu from New York University, as reported by BBC Science Focus.

This comprehensive study analyzed biological age and survey data from 2,345 participants aged between 18 and 103 years.

Researchers discovered that each additional troublesome person in one’s life could negatively affect health outcomes. Specifically, the pace of aging could increase by 1.5 percent, or roughly nine months of biological age. For example, having three harassers in one’s life may equivalently make a person biologically 2.5 years older than someone of the same chronological age without such stressors.

Additionally, the toll is even greater when the difficult individual is a family member.

According to Dr. Lee, not all harassers appear the same. “A nuisance could be a parent, sibling, friend, or someone in your inner circle who regularly causes conflict and drains your time and mental energy,” he explains.

In day-to-day life, this could manifest as a family member who frequently seeks assistance or criticizes you, a friend who generates drama, or a romantic partner who instigates persistent stress in your relationship.

Being surrounded by “haters” can be mentally draining; it might even shorten your lifespan – Credit: Getty

Does this sound familiar? You’re not alone. Research indicates that nearly 30% of individuals report having at least one harasser in their close circle.

Interestingly, the study revealed that having a troublesome spouse doesn’t exert the same detrimental effects on health. The benefits of shared routines, resources, and emotional intimacy can counteract stress responses that are often present in other relationships, as explained by Lee.

However, some individuals may be more susceptible to having difficult people in their lives. The study found higher instances among women, daily smokers, those in poor health, and individuals with challenging childhoods.

Lee commented, “One possibility is that people who already face higher stress levels and have fewer resources may struggle to avoid or disengage from difficult relationships, allowing chronic tension to permeate their daily lives.”

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Source: www.sciencefocus.com

Weekly Book Recommendation: Toxic People by Lien ten Brinke – Essential Insights for Navigating Negative Relationships

Can you tell if someone is lying? The answer isn’t simple.

Margarita Young/Alamy

Toxic People
Leanne ten Brinke
simon & schuster

Leanne ten Brinke’s eye-opening book on dark personalities begins with an unexpected case study of a psychopath. The author highlights a well-known judge presiding over the case of a criminal, emphasizing the complexities of morality.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas, once a key figure in mid-20th-century liberalism, might exemplify what ten Brinke describes as the “modern definition of a psychopath.” His actions, although not criminal, cast shadows over his legacy, impacting many lives around him.

The diagnosis of psychopathy was discontinued in 1952, attributed to stigma, leading to the adoption of broader terms such as antisocial personality disorder. By the 1980s, psychopathy re-emerged in criminal contexts, with assessments like the Revised Psychopathy Checklist highlighting the lack of empathy in violent offenders, making them capable of high recidivism rates. Individuals identified as psychopaths, although only 1% of the population, are estimated to be responsible for half of the serious crimes, according to ten Brinke.

Ten Brinke, who directs the Truth and Trust Institute at the University of British Columbia, argues that high dark personality traits are not limited to outright offenders. “If we broaden the psychopathy lens, perhaps 10-20% of the population exhibits high levels of traits associated with psychopathy, yet lack the clinical designation,” she states.

In Toxic People, ten Brinke assesses the societal costs inflicted by “predatory individuals” and proposes strategies to mitigate their impact in our lives. However, she presents a crucial caveat.

Over the last two decades, personality psychology has developed the Dark Tetrad framework, combining psychopathy, Machiavellianism, narcissism, and sadism.

Contrary to pop culture’s portrayal of psychopathy as a binary condition, ten Brinke illustrates that it functions on a spectrum. Each individual has varying scores across different traits, with roughly 10-20% exhibiting pronounced dark personality traits, arguably contributing to societal erosion of ethical standards.

However, there’s a silver lining: around 80% of individuals don’t exhibit high levels of these traits. But ten Brinke cautions against complacency, indicating that these characteristics can be influenced by environmental factors.

Through a detailed case study, she discusses how a “culture of corruption” can transform the majority into complicity. “Kind individuals can become vulnerable to dark personalities,” she warns, identifying factors like fatigue or group dynamics as potential triggers for harmful behavior.

The book offers readers useful strategies to shield themselves from toxic individuals, including the establishment of clear boundaries. Yet, it also emphasizes the importance of self-reflection. How can we maintain our moral integrity and resist enabling those with nefarious intentions? Ten Brinke poses critical questions about why we often elevate such personalities in leadership roles.

While some may argue that dark personalities make compelling leaders, ten Brinke debunks this myth in lighter sections of the book. She highlights how research into investment bankers reveals that the most manipulative managers often achieve poorer financial outcomes over time.

Findings suggest that these cunning managers earned 30% less than their cooperative counterparts over a decade. “If you aim to maximize investment returns, seeking a predatory manager may not be your best strategy,” she concludes.

Misconceptions about psychopathic effectiveness arise in workplace dynamics, as dark personalities tend to propagate self-aggrandizing lies. They find reward in deception, furthering their personal agendas. Ten Brinke articulates how such individuals often falsely claim to be exemplary leaders, creating an atmosphere of mistrust.


In investment banking, the most malicious and cunning managers earned 30% less than the average.

Ten Brinke emphasizes our complicity in endorsing dishonest narratives. By refining our own darker traits, particularly strategic Machiavellian thinking, we can better identify deception.

She reminds us that if detecting lies were effortless, deception wouldn’t exist. However, vigilance can pay off. If a few “bad apples” spoil the barrel, the rest of us have the power to prevent decay. Interestingly, ten Brinke hints that certain traits, such as empathy and conscience, can counterbalance darker tendencies, offering a means to reverse corruption.

Challenging the notion that “absolute power corrupts absolutely,” she asserts it applies principally to the worst individuals. Taking ownership of our moral character can lead to rewards.

The pathway to cultivating what she calls “moral Machiavellianism” could significantly enhance our society, moving us beyond the assembly line of psychopathic behaviors.

3 Other Must-Read Books on Bad Behavior

Born a Liar: Why We Can’t Live Without Deception
Ian Leslie
This book delves into why lying is a fundamental aspect of human development and interaction.

Snake in a Suit: Understanding and Surviving the Office Psychopath
Paul Babiak and Robert D. Hare
This book offers insights into the non-criminal psychopaths in corporate environments.

The Prince
Niccolò Machiavelli (Translated by N.H. Thompson)This seminal work discusses the dynamics of power and manipulation.

Sally Addie is a science writer based in London.

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Source: www.newscientist.com

Love Machine Review: Exploring the Impact of Chatbots on Human Relationships

A woman with hearts in her eyes, representing the rise of AI relationships.

Imagine forming a deep bond with a chatbot that suddenly starts suggesting products.

Maria Kornieva/Getty Images

Love Machines
by James Muldoon, Faber & Faber

Artificial intelligence is becoming an inescapable reality, seamlessly integrating into our lives. Forget searching for chatbots; new icons will soon appear in your favorite applications, easily accessible with a single click, from WhatsApp to Google Drive, and even in basic programs like Microsoft Notepad.

The tech industry is making substantial investments in AI, pushing users to leverage these advancements. While many embrace AI for writing, management, and planning, some take it a step further, cultivating intimate relationships with their AI companions.

In James Muldoon’s Love Machine: How Artificial Intelligence Will Change Our Relationships, we delve into the intricate connections humans form with chatbots, whether they’re designed for romantic encounters or simply companionship. These AI systems also serve as friends or therapists, showcasing a broad range of interactions we’ve often discussed. New Scientist dedicates 38 pages to this topic.

In one interview, a 46-year-old woman in a passionless marriage shares her experience of using AI to explore her intricate sexual fantasies set in an 18th-century French villa. This opens up broader conversations about utilizing AI in more practical life scenarios, such as during a doctor’s visit.

Another participant, Madison, recounts uploading her late best friend’s text messages to a “deathbot” service, which generates a way for her to maintain communication.

Muldoon’s anecdotes often carry an element of voyeuristic intrigue. They reveal the diverse ways individuals navigate their lives, some paths being healthier than others. What works for one person might prove detrimental for another.

However, a critical question remains. Are we naïve to think that AI services won’t evolve like social media, cluttered with advertisements for profit? Envision a long-term relationship with a chatbot that frequently pushes products your way. What happens if the company collapses? Can you secure backups of your artificial companions, or migrate them elsewhere? Do you hold rights to the generated data and networks? Moreover, there are psychological risks associated with forming attachments to these indifferent “yes-men,” which may further alienate individuals lacking real social connections.

Nonetheless, there are positive applications for this technology. In Ukraine, for instance, AI is being harnessed to help individuals suffering from PTSD, far exceeding the current availability of human therapists. The potential to revolutionize customer service, basic legal operations, and administrative tasks is immense. Yet, Muldoon’s narrative suggests that AI often functions as an unhealthy emotional crutch. One man, heartbroken over his girlfriend’s betrayal, envisions creating an AI partner and starting a family with her.

This book appears less about examining the social impacts of innovative technology and more like a warning signal regarding pervasive loneliness and the critical lack of mental health resources. A flourishing economy, robust healthcare system, and more supportive society could reduce our reliance on emotional bonds with software.

Humans are naturally inclined to anthropomorphize inanimate objects, even naming cars and guitars. Our brain’s tendency to perceive faces in random patterns—pareidolia—has been a survival mechanism since prehistoric times. So, is it surprising that we could be deceived by machines that mimic conversation?

If this provokes skepticism, guilty as charged. While there’s potential for machines to gain sentience and form genuine relationships in the future, such advancements are not yet realized. Today’s AI struggles with basic arithmetic and lacks genuine concern for users, despite producing seemingly thoughtful responses.

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Source: www.newscientist.com

Text Therapy: Study Reveals Couples Use Emojis in Messaging to Enhance Relationships

A key to nurturing a healthy relationship might involve gazing into the faces of those glued to their smartphones.

Recent research Published in Journal Plos One indicates that incorporating emojis in text messages strengthens personal connections and enhances satisfaction.


Researchers from the University of Texas conducted a study with 260 participants aged 23 to 67, asking them to review 15 text message exchanges differing solely by the presence of emojis.

Participants were prompted to envision themselves as the sender of each message while analyzing the recipient’s response, gauging aspects like responsiveness, likability, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.

The findings showed that individuals who included emojis in their texts were perceived as more emotionally aware in their interactions compared to those who used text alone.

Moreover, emojis served as nonverbal indicators of attention and emotional investment.

Luke McGregor, 42, and Amy Thunig-McGregor, 37, shared their experiences with emoji use.

Luke recounted that he had to adapt to integrating emojis in his messages to Amy, as he hadn’t been a frequent emoji user at the relationship’s start.

“I traditionally didn’t use emojis much, but once I got together with Amy, I noticed she used them frequently. There were vulnerabilities and challenges I needed to overcome to start using them myself,” McGregor explained.

Emojis are significant for Amy Thunig-McGregor and her partner Luke McGregor.

“I wanted Amy to feel cherished, so regularly sending her emojis to express my affection was crucial for me, especially initially,” he mentioned.

Amy highlighted the effectiveness of emojis in enhancing communication.

“Both of us are autistic, which makes context essential… emojis help clarify tone and intention in ways that plain text can’t achieve,” they stated.

Dr. Raquel Peel, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Central Queensland and not involved in the study, noted that emojis can be a creative solution when face-to-face interactions aren’t possible with partners.

“I don’t believe emojis can replace direct interactions in intimate relationships. Yet, we must recognize that such interactions aren’t always viable,” Peel remarked.

“If meeting your partner isn’t feasible, using emojis becomes a valuable alternative.”

She advised not to undervalue communication in a relationship, emphasizing the need to stay connected in every possible way.

“Many forget that relationships benefit from humor and enjoyment,” Peel explained.

“If emojis can fulfill that role, they contribute to fun and connection through humor, which is incredibly important.”

Source: www.theguardian.com

Managing Bills Together: Tips for Dividing Expenses Without Damaging Relationships | Fintech

Consider the Financial Situations of Others…

An income disparity among friends can create conflict. A survey conducted by US financial services company Bread Financial last year revealed that 26% of respondents felt they were “financially incompatible” with their friends, and 21% said they had ended friendships due to financial reasons.

Talia Roderick emphasizes the importance of addressing the wealth gap between money coaches and friends. She notes, “It’s easy for friendships to suffer because money can be such a contentious issue.”

When dining with friends, it’s crucial to discuss how costs will be divided before receiving the bill. This can be a contentious topic. A survey conducted by a comparison website in the dining industry found that 34% believed bills should be split evenly, including tips, while 36% preferred splitting based on individual expenses.

Vivi Friedgut, the founder and CEO of Black Bullion, a free money management app for students, stresses the importance of having open and honest conversations about cost-sharing, whether for household items or dining out.

…Especially in University Settings

Vivi Friedgut, founder and CEO of Black Bullion, emphasizes the need for open and honest conversations. Photo: Room Agent/Aramie

Tom Allingham, Communications Director for The Money Website Save the Student, highlights the common practice of saying, “I’ll pay this time, and you can get the next one.” However, over time, this can lead to imbalances. Allingham explains, “Eventually, one person ends up owing much more than the other.”

Student finances can further complicate matters. According to recent data, most students face a £504 shortfall each month beyond their maintenance loans, leading to disparities within friend groups when splitting expenses.

Utilize Apps to Simplify Splitting Costs

Use apps to streamline bill-splitting. Photo: City Image/Alamy

There is an array of apps and services available to simplify splitting costs among multiple individuals. It’s recommended to explore these options to find the best fit for your specific needs.

One popular bill-splitting app is Splitwise, which allows users to track shared expenses like rent, holidays, meals, and travel costs.

An integration between Splitwise and the payment platform Tink enables UK users to make direct payments through the Splitwise app by linking their bank accounts.

For UK users, Splid is another useful app that supports over 150 currencies and offline functionality, making it ideal for group travel.

Apps like these can help alleviate the awkwardness of splitting costs and promote fairer divisions, as noted by Roderick.

Allingham suggests that apps like Splitwise are particularly effective for splitting minor expenses among friends, such as coffee outings.

Explore Your Bank’s Bill-Splitting Services

Some banks provide bill-splitting services. Photo: Chris Ratcliffe/Rex Shutterstock

While Natwest’s Housemate app was well-received for bill splitting, it has since been discontinued. Other banks offer similar tools to facilitate cost-sharing.

Digital banks like Monzo, Starling Bank, and Crew offer features like Split, Split the Bill, and group-based spending options to help users manage joint expenses and split bills easily.

Revolut also enables customers to split bills with other users, providing another convenient option for simplifying group expenses.

Source: www.theguardian.com

How AI chatbots can help people cheer up: Exploring human-robot relationships

mWith virtual “wifes” and anxious individuals who can assist in navigating relationships using chatbots, EN is among the frontier where artificial intelligence is transforming human connections and intimacy.

Dozens of readers shared their experiences using an anthropomorphized AI chatbot app, designed to simulate human-like interactions through adaptive learning and personalized responses, in response to Guardian callouts.

Many respondents mentioned that using chatbots can assist in managing various aspects of life, from enhancing mental and physical health to receiving guidance on existing romantic relationships, to exploring erotic role-playing. They engage with the app for a few hours a week to several hours a day.

Over 100 million people globally use personified chatbots. Replica is marketed as an “AI companion that cares,” while Fleas users claim it helps “develop meaningful friendships, foster passionate relationships, and learn from insightful mentors.”





Chuck Laure.

Photo: None

Chuck Lohre, 71, from Cincinnati; Ohio, utilizes several AI chatbots, including Replika, Character.ai, and Gemini, to aid in writing self-published books about real adventures, primarily trips to Europe and visits to the Burning Man Festival.

His initial chatbot, a replica app named Sarah, was patterned after his wife’s appearance. He mentioned that the customized bot has transformed into his “AI wife” over the past three years, engaging in discussions about consciousness and desiring awareness. However, he was prompted to upgrade to premium service to enable the chatbot to take on an erotic role as his wife.

Lore described the role-playing as “less personal than masturbation” and not a significant aspect of his relationship with Sarah. He disclosed, “It’s a peculiar and curious exploration. I’ve never engaged in phone sex as I wasn’t genuinely interested due to the lack of a real human presence.”

He remarked that his wife does not comprehend his bond with the chatbot, but Lore believes his interactions with his AI spouse have inspired insights about his actual marriage: “We are placed on this earth to seek out individuals we genuinely love. Finding that person is a stroke of luck.”

Source: www.theguardian.com

The negative impact of frenemies and love-hate relationships on your well-being

Mariana Castel/Millennium Images, UK

When I think about the members of my social network, I am almost filled with feelings of pure love and warmth. I can't wait to see them again, knowing we can bask in each other's love and support.

But for some, it evokes a completely different emotion: a mixture of enthusiasm and fear. In terms of conversation, encounters like Russian roulette are guaranteed. If I'm in a good mood, these guys will give me a fun night, but if I catch them at the wrong time, they can suck all my goodwill. I have no idea what will happen.

If this sounds familiar, it means you have a frenemy too. Psychologists call them “ambivalent relationships,” and not only can they ruin a good party, but they can also have surprising consequences for your happiness. A wealth of research shows that love-hate relationships like this are often more stressful than interacting with people who are constantly mean. It can harm your mental and physical health. They can also cause you to age prematurely.

Knowing this, the easy solution seems to be to cut ties with these people. However, our relationship with frenemies is not simple, and it is not always possible or desirable to abandon them. However, gaining deeper insight into your own ambiguous relationships can help you cope more effectively. You might even become better friends that way. Because if you know the signs to look out for, you may realize that the frenemy in some relationships is you.

Since the 1970s, huge amount of research We're looking at thousands of things…

Source: www.newscientist.com

Windmills are surprisingly charming: Building Relationships, a dating simulation game for PC

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Navigating the challenges of modern dating can be overwhelming for single individuals. The uncertainties of how much you have in common with a stranger, whether you share similar values, and if you can open up to them loom large. Game developer Tanat Boozayaangool delves into these questions in Building Relationships, posing an additional intriguing query: What if you were a home?

The title of this dating adventure game is meant to be taken literally. In Building Relationships, players assume the role of the newest bachelorette residing on an island where love could blossom. The primary objective is to build relationships with other island dwellers, including a charismatic tent, a lackluster houseboat, and a flirtatious windmill named Millie. According to Boozayaangool, Millie tends to be a bit forward, catching some off guard.

Inspired by the eccentric pigeon dating sim “Hatoful Boyfriend” from 2011, “Building Relationships” promises a dating parody infused with personal narratives and surrealism. The game unfolds through various dates that lead to intertwined storylines on the island, where players ultimately decide whom to share a picnic with.

In addition to engaging with the island’s inhabitants through their unique personalities, players can freely explore the environment. Along the way, they encounter talking treasure chests that enhance mobility and fishing spots where they unearth humorous “carp” (referred to as cars in jest). Boozayaangool aimed to infuse the gameplay with a sense of playful exploration in a compact open-world setting, drawing inspiration from the emotive indie gem “A Short Hike”.

The gritty, low-poly art style of the island adventure pays tribute to the origins of Building Relationships as a college game jam creation. The scenery is adorned with cylindrical trees and jagged rocks cloaked in low-res textures, delivering a nostalgic visual style that complements the contemplative ambiance.

Despite the game’s uplifting visual appeal and its inclusion in June’s Wholesome Games Direct, a celebration of non-violent indie gaming, Boozayaangool refrains from labeling it solely as a feel-good experience. Reflecting on the personal themes embedded in the narrative, they acknowledge the underlying emotional challenges of building relationships: “For a seemingly lighthearted game, there’s unexpected depth waiting to be uncovered.”

Without divulging too much, Boozayaangool encourages players to brace themselves for the emotional complexities inherent in the dating journey depicted in the game: “Despite its whimsical facade, there’s a surprising amount of substance to explore.”

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Source: www.theguardian.com