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Etsy Lerner may not view herself as a TikTok star, but the New York Times labels her as one, even calling her an influencer. To her, it signifies payment and illicit goods — all she possesses is a free pen. “I genuinely do it for myself,” she states, “and for those who follow me.”

Lerner is 64 years young. She spent over two decades as a literary agent, representing authors like Patti Smith and Temple Grandin. A non-fiction writer, she is the author of her debut novels, “The Shred Sisters” and “Love Letter to Loneliness.” However, her TikTok presence is noteworthy, boasting 1.5 million followers! There, she shares videos reading from a diary chronicling her chaotic 20s.

“I don’t know who you love, who loves you, what you do for your job, what your purpose is,” she expresses in one post. “This morning I stumbled upon a line in my journal. In my 20s, I wrote: ‘I feel like I don’t know who I am.'”

Lerner shares posts while in a dressing gown and without makeup. Initially, she ventured into BookTok to support authors, but as her new novel was approaching release, she started filming herself on camera, despite not initially gaining followers. “A friend advised me to embrace it like my own TV channel… so I thought, ‘I’ll read from an old diary.'”

She has kept journals since the age of 11, inspired by Anne Frank’s “The Diary of a Young Girl.” “I penned my first poem there, trying to understand myself…” Although her journal from ages 12 to 18 was lost when her car was stolen, she has roughly 30 volumes from her 20s safely stored away in her attic.

“My journals are incredibly melancholic. They discuss loneliness, the search for love and friendship, and the quest for identity,” she reflects.

Lerner describes herself as a “slow bloomer.” Accepted into Columbia’s MFA Poetry Program at 26, she entered the publishing world in her late 20s, a time when most editorial assistants were fresh college graduates. “I didn’t experience love until I was 30 and lacked any significant relationships… I lost much of my teens and endured depression through most of my 20s.”

At 15, her parents took her to a psychiatrist, which led to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. “I resisted accepting that I had this condition. I fought against it for a long time,” she admits. Her 2003 memoir, Food and Loathing, recounts her relationship with weight, food, and depression, detailing one instance in her late 20s when she found herself standing on a bridge over the Hudson River.

A breakthrough occurred at 30 when she connected with a psychopharmacologist who could prescribe the right dosage of lithium (they have collaborated for 35 years). She also got married.

Writing in her journal became less frequent. While she initially wrote at night in bed, “I wasn’t feeling so sad and lonely anymore,” she reflects.

Over the years, Lerner says, “I was instinctively drawn to strength.” Currently, she prioritizes stability above all else.

She had no intentions of writing a novel. Nevertheless, in 2019, she faced “the tragic loss of four” individuals: her mother, two teenagers, Ruby and Hart Campbell, who were tragically killed by a drunk driver, and her best friend, author George Hodgman, who died by suicide. “I still grapple with the idea of grieving everyone, all the time,” she shares.

Following these losses, she began writing “Shred Sisters.” The novel serves as a means for her and her two sisters to care for one another while navigating their grief. She has also written another novel and continues to share insights from her diary as long as inspiration strikes. “It’s all about connecting and communicating,” she affirms.

“There’s a constant flow of comments from young adults in their 20s who resonate with my struggles. That connection motivates me immensely. I feel aligned with these young individuals.”

Shred Sisters is published by Verve Books. To support the Guardian, please order a copy from the Guardian Bookshop. Shipping fees may apply.

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